Personality type humor

These are not mine, I used to link to them but the sites hosting them kept disappearing, so I decided to reprint them here. I have tried to give credit where it's known but some of the sources are unknown. Enjoy.

A glass of water according to personality type

INTJ thinks: Glass is made from silicon dioxide, heated to a temperature of ...

INTP: The glass _is_ full -- half water, half air!

ENTP:Voila! 0.157 litres of dihydrogen oxide, prepared by micro-gnomes.

ENTJ: Hey! This is a beer glass, not a water glass!

INFJ: This glass of water is a metaphor for my life.

INFP: But look! A crystalline vessel, filled with shimmering, life-giving nectar!

ENFP: Whooeee! Water fight!

ENFJ: There's more than enough for friends to share.

ISFJ: I bet my friend would like to have some water right now ...

ISFP: (Holds up glass of water, tilts it from side to side, wiggles finger in it, licks finger, grins slightly, moves on.)

ESFP: There's a glass of water! You know, it's healthy to drink a lot of water! Why, I remember when I was growing up, we used to ...

ESFJ: I can't believe someone would leave this dirty glass out here! Clean up this mess right now!

ISTJ: It's half empty now, and it wouldn't surprise me if it dried up completely.

ISTP: So? It's water. Big deal!

ESTP: You call that a glass of water? Why, back where I come from, ...

ESTJ: Hey! Whose job was it to fill up this glass?

Negative Type Descriptions

by Hal Dendurent

ENFJ: "Busybody"
Life's backseat drivers. They seem to know just what's wrong with everybody else's life and have a plan to fix it.

INFJ: "Messiah"
Characterized by the burning desire to change the world, which desperately needs everyone to be NF.

ENFP: "Muckraker"
Creator of hype, distortion, and the perversion of media of information to be wallows of mindless emotionalism.

INFP: "Fanatic"
Always searching for an Answer with a capital A. Unlike the INFJ, they are usually openminded enough to realize the current one isn't good enough after a few years.

ENTJ: "Tyrant"
Knows better than everyone how things should be done; and works tirelessly to obtain the power to make it happen that way.

INTJ: "Crackpot"
All facts which don't fit their theories are just wrong. The more all-encompassing and less applicable to reality the theories are, the better.

ENTP: "Frankenstein"
The salvation of the world is to be found in this new nanotronic frannistan, of which he just happens to have an almost-working model...

INTP: "Nerd"
What? you mean people actually talk to each other using mouths and ears instead of keyboards????

ESTJ: "Stuffed Shirt"
No imagination, no flexibility, no common sense, no capacity for tolerance of others with different priorities.

ISTJ: "Bean Counter"
Like the ESTJ, but with less vision.

ESFJ: "Gossip"
Like the Busybody, but characterized by the urge to backstab instead of trying to help.

ISFJ: "Sidekick"
Doesn't need much meaning in life, just a person (or baby or pet or car) to spend all their time ministering to.

ESTP: "Beer Drinker"
Loud, crude, plays team sports, kisses and tells. These are the people beer commercials are made for.

ESFP: "Clown"
Always the class troublemaker, they have no respect for anybody or anything. Good at snide wisecracks.

ISTP: "Assassin"
Hates people, and is good at killing them. Young ISTP's are good at killing pictures of people in video games.

ISFP: "Snob"
Revels in the elaborate sensations of wine, paintings and music that are completely indistinguishable to ordinary people. Likes flowers.

Prayers for Myers Briggs Types

ISTJ:
Lord help me to relax about insignificant details beginning tomorrow at 11.41.23 am e.s.t.

ISTP:
God help me to consider people's feelings, even if most of them ARE hypersensitive.

ESTP:
God help me to take responsibility for my own actions, even though they're usually NOT my fault.

ESTJ:
God, help me to not try to RUN everything. But, if You need some help, just ask.

ISFJ:
Lord, help me to be more laid back and help me to do it EXACTLY right.

ISFP:
Lord, help me to stand up for my rights (if you don't mind my asking).

ESFP:
God help me to take things more seriously, especially parties and dancing.

ESFJ:
God give me patience, and I mean right NOW.

INFJ:
Lord help me not be a perfectionist. (did I spell that correctly?)

INFP:
God, help me to finish everything I sta

ENFP:
God,help me to keep my mind on one th-Look a bird-ing at a time.

ENFJ:
God help me to do only what I can and trust you for the rest. Do you mind putting that in writing?

INTJ:
Lord keep me open to others' ideas, WRONG though they may be.

INTP:
Lord help me be less independent, but let me do it my way.

ENTP:
Lord help me follow established procedures today. On second thought, I'll settle for a few minutes.

ENTJ:
Lord, help me slow downandnotrushthroughwatIdo.

Myers-Briggs Epitaphs

by Doug Bates

ESTJ - Be back next year with flowers!

ISTJ - Forever on time

ESFJ - Arranged my own funeral

ISFJ - Wish I could still help

ESTP - Well, *this* is boring

ISTP - Build a better coffin

ESFP - Where did everybody go?

ISFP - Smell a flower for me

ENTJ - Whoever did this, I'll get you one day

INTJ - *Now* try telling me what to do!

ENTP - Death is being out of options

INTP - Talk about "analysis paralysis"

ENFJ - Another opportunity for learning

INFJ - The ultimate clarity

ENFP - Catch you on the flip side

INFP - Eternal harmony

Collective Nouns for Types

* an invasion of ENTJs
* an argument of INTJs
* a froth of ENTPs
* a heresy of INTPs
* a broadcast of ENFPs
* a synod of INFPs
* a cooperation of ENFJs
* an empathy of INFJs
* a precision of ISTJs
* a favor of ISFJs
* a quantum of ESTJs
* a cotillion of ESFJs
* a pallette of ISFPs
* an implement of ISTPs
* a gala of ESFPs
* a scrum of ESTPs

Myers-Briggs Types for Cats

by Annette Ellis

ESFP: "The Hedonist"
The social cat. Inside, outside, contact-oriented. Wallows in petting. Lies in the sun on the driveway. Promiscuously affectionate, even with cat-haters. Meows a lot.

ESTP: "The Tomcat"
Comes back after three days with scabs on his nose and ears. Fathered too many kittens to count. Will enjoy you while he's there, but not loyal. With other cats, doesn't know when to stop "playing".

ISFP: "The Snuggler"
Inside lap kitty. Has a favorite lap, a favorite windowsill, but spreads her favors around nonetheless. Warm and loving, but don't try to make her do anything. Purrs a lot.

ISTP: "The Problem-Solver"
This is the cat that will figure out how to get the giblets out of the bottom of the garbage can without knocking anything over. Appreciates his pleasures but not a glutton. Stand-offish, but will put up with an occasional petting session.

ESTJ: "Bossycat"
A cat with attitude. He'll hiss at a German shepherd, and the dog will back down. Knows his territory. Catches lots of birds to show he cares, since he won't be openly affectionate.

ESFJ: "Mommycat"
Even if kittenless or male, adopts everyone, including her "owners". Will groom you until you've got a rash; will groom other cats until they snap at her and run away.

ISTJ: "Mr. Fastidious"
Won't eat unless the kitchen floor is newly waxed. Will glare at you until you clean his litterbox. Likes to scratch--and it's the same place over and over, so you'd better get a scratching post right away if you want to keep your furniture.

ISFJ: "Spoiled Cat"
Only the best will do. This is the cat in the "Sheba" ads. Will sink into a depression if you forget to trim her claws, or if her coat is marked. Strategic meowing -- not for conversation, but to get what she wants.

ENTP: "The Great White Hunter"
King of imaginary bug-chasing. He talks a lot--maybe to you, maybe to something only he can see. Likes to be petted, but only for short periods of time; he's off as soon as the next synapse fires in his brain.

ENTJ: "The Little General"
Assumes control of the family and house. He'll kick you out of his chair and demand half the bed. Doesn't purr, but glares while being petted as if you're only doing your duty. Yowls rather than meows.

INTP: "The Flake"
Will play with toys, but bored quickly. If you give in, you'll quickly have a closet full of cat toys he won't touch any more. He'll sit, apparently doing nothing, and then be off on a tear. When walking across a room, will suddenly sit down and start grooming himself.

INTJ: "The Limit-Setter"
If you have to be around, fine, but he'd prefer that you just showed up once a week to drop off a case of canned food. If you stay home sick, he'll glare at you, since after all it's his scheduled day to have the house to himself.

ENFP: "The Happy Slob"
Playful cat that will leave food smeared all over the kitchen floor and track litter granules onto the carpet. Favorite game is peek-a-boo. Likes to be petted, but won't sit still for long.

ENFJ: "The Ringleader"
Will organize the other cats into games. When you get home to find the dining room chandelier swinging back and forth, and all the cats are sitting in the living room looking innocent, it was this cat's idea.

INFP: "The Little Angel"
Will look at you sweetly two seconds after she's shredded the new curtains. Can't resist the kitchen counter. Likes some lap time, but only on her terms.

INFJ: "Skitty Kitty"
Wants to be affectionate, but never quite overcomes nervousness. "Intrepid" is NOT her middle name. Likes to watch the proceedings from a safe spot, such as the top of the staircase.

Illusions of the Unhealthy MBTI

by Doug Bates

(Each temperament type has its Achilles ankle...)

ESTP - "I'm a stud and the world revolves around me"

ISTP - "I can make anything work"

ENTP - "I can come up with a solution for anything"

INTP - "I'm brilliant and you'd better bow to my genius"

ESTJ - "I am in control"

ISTJ - "I do everything right"

ENTJ - "I am all-powerful"

INTJ - "I am all-knowing"

ESFP - "I am the most glamorous"

ISFP - "Nobody has better taste than I do"

ENFP - "I have the most enthusiasm"

INFP - "I have the most sensitive conscience"

ESFJ - "Everyone likes me and wants to be like me"

ISFJ - "Nobody can get along without me"

ENFJ - "I can teach anyone anything"

INFJ - "I have the best intentions"

The Complicated Nature of NT Rationals Explained to Normal People.

In the day and age where everyone wants to be classified in some personality type, there exists an especially obscure type sitting in the oddest most abstract of corners, the NT Rational. Attempting to understand these rare abstract thinkers – the computer programmer, physicist, mathematician, philosopher – is like trying to study the mating rituals of three-toed sloths at your local zoo. The following is a linear analysis to give ourselves the deepest possible understanding of these eccentric characters.

Generally, determining if you have this temperament type is easily shown by answering this question:

You walk into a room and see a picture hanging crooked. You…

A. Straighten it.

B. Ignore it.

C. Ponder the situation’s metaphoric symbolism on the humanitarian situation in Syria, then write a poem about it.

D. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.

The correct answer is “D” but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes “it depends” in the margin of the test or who simply blames the whole stupid thing on “marketing”.

A = Guardian
B = Artisan
C = Idealist
D = Rational

SOCIAL SKILLS

NTs have different objectives when it comes to social interaction. “Normal” people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction:

* Stimulating and thought provoking conversation;
* Important social contacts;
* A feeling of connectedness with other humans.

In contrast to “normal” people, NTs have rational objectives for social interactions:

* Get it over with as soon as possible;
* Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant;
* Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.

FASCINATION WITH GADGETS

To the NT, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories:

(1) things that need to be fixed, and

(2) things that will need to be fixed after you’ve had a few minutes to play with them.

NTs like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own. “Normal” people don’t understand this concept, they believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. NTs believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.

No NT looks at a TV remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No NT can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the NT, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.

FASHION AND APPEARANCE

Clothes are the lowest priority for an NT, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met.

DATING

Dating is never easy for NTs. A “normal” person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. NTs are incapable of placing appearance above function.

Fortunately, NTs have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognised as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, honest, handy around the house and not the least bit overbearing. While it’s true that most “normal” people would prefer not to date an NT, most normal people harbour an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing Bill Gates-like children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity.

Male NTs reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than most “normal” men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid-thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible NT males:

* Bill Gates
* MacGyver

Female NTs become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it’s a warm day.

HONESTY

NTs are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That’s why it’s a good idea to keep NTs away from customers, romantic interests and other people who can’t handle the truth. NTs sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of NT lies is stated below:

“I won’t change anything without asking you first.”

“I’ll return your hard-to-find object/device tomorrow.”

“I have to have new equipment to do my job/research.”

“I’m not jealous of your new computer.”

“I know exactly what I am doing/talking about.”

FRUGALITY

NTs are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in efficiency, that is, “How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?” and also, “How can I achieve maximal results from minimal work?”

POWERS OF CONCENTRATION

If there is one trait that best defines an NT, it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment.

This sometimes causes NTs to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a B.Sc. or experience in computer programming is propped up in a lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.

RISKS AND JOBS

NTs are most strongly drawn to the scientist, mathematician, philosopher, inventor, thinking-researcher type jobs. Therefore, NTs hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an NT researcher/scientist makes a mistake, the media will treat it like it’s a big deal or something.

Examples of Bad Press for NT Scientist/Researchers:

* Hindenburg
* Challenger
* SPANet™
* Hubble Space Telescope
* Apollo 13
* Titanic
* Ford Pinto

The risk/reward calculation for NT scientists looks something like this:

RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.

REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.

Being pragmatic people, NTs mathematically evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain. If that approach is not sufficient to halt a project, then the NT will fall back to a second line of defense: “It’s technically possible but it will cost too much.”

EGO

Ego-wise, two things are important to NTs:

* How smart they are;

* How many cool devices they own.

The fastest way to get an NT to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No NT can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it’s solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the NT off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal – a battle between the NT and the laws of nature.

NTs will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem (other times just because they forgot). And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex – and we’re including the kind of sex where other people are involved. Nothing is more threatening to the NT than the suggestion that somebody else has more technical skill. “Normal” people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the NT. When an NT says that something can’t be done (a code phrase that means it’s not fun to do), some clever “normal” people have learned to glance at the NT with a look of compassion and pity, and say something along these lines: “I’ll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult problems.”

At that point it is a good idea for the “normal” person to not stand between the NT and the problem. The NT will set upon the problem like a starved chihuahua on a pork chop.

- B.J.H., INTP Architect Rational, originally from The Nature of Scientists.